DETROIT (IFOC) - Michigan's largest city plunged into a bottomless pit of fire, slime, and writhing limbs today due to an unchecked ritual reading of the unholy book "Necronomicon."

Representative John Conyers praised the event, stating that it was more important for the (former) residents of Detroit to express their religious freedoms than to lose their freedoms in some attempt to prevent any so-called disaster or tragedy.

"The real threat to our society is religious intolerance and racist bigotry," said Conyers. "Detroit is in ruins today not because some ancient ritual brought about its destruction, but because the intolerance of fundamentalist Christian Conservatives made the occultists feel unwelcome in their own country. It was allowed to reach the point of those occultists wanting to exchange their own, cruel world for one of tentacles and swiling pits of insanity by the theocracy our government has become."

As a result of the transmogrification of the city, the Homeland Security Department has lowered Detroit's terror warning level from Yellow to Blue. "While the byachee and shuggoths roam the streets slaughtering the careless and jibbering lost souls, you're less likely to have Islamic insurgents crossing the Ambassador Bridge from Windsor," said Director Michael Chertoff. "Maybe if someone flushed that Necronomicon like the Koran, we'd still have Detroit instead of Cthulhu sitting on Joe Louis Stadium as his throne, but at least there's less safe-haven mosques and Hamas storefronts now."

The Council for American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) has comdemned Chertoff's comments as "insensitive, unrealistic, and the kind of vileness expected from a mere Zionist-loving infidel."